Kraken'd
by xylot3
Summary: Slash, CRACK. Can be regarded as DMC fic. It's random. It's bad. It's half-rape, half-smut. Kraken is in the mood and DJ turns him down, so he gets desperate. Chap2: Will/Jack/Norrington/Kraken.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Yes! I have been abandoned by parents and roleplayers alike – LET THE PARTY BEGIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Yes, I am high.)

Language warning. (Sexual) Innuendo warning. Stupidity warning. READ ON!

Please flame this. LOL. I don't care. Go ahead.

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The Kraken was bored one day. So he decided he was horny. What's that I hear you say? A freakin' SQUID is HORNY? Why yes. Yes he was.

And I'm sorry to say, that when above and/or aforementioned horny squidcreature Kraken asked his master if he wanted to get down with it, Mr. Jones austerely and enigmatically – and quite possibly irritatedly – replied, "Oh god, no. Where the hell am I supposed to put-ah my tentacle?"

So, yes, this impatiently horny little Kraken could indeed have pleasured itself – what with the innumerable amount of tentacles and just one gaping mouth – alas no. The last time Kraken tried this, he ended up fucking his own mouth and to a lesser extent bruised his biggest tentacle.

Back on track, this Kraken was not one to accept "no's", but in this case, Davy Jones was his master(bater?). There was only one option left; to ask others if they wanted to "get down in deep" with Kraken.

Kraken slunk to land, the nearest land being Port Royal. This is because the author cannot be SCREWED to think of other places in which the Kraken could retreat to. And it's obvious. Port Royal is a MAY JOUR part of the Pirates fandom. So the Kraken gladly slunk over there.

"Dearest sir Governor Swann, will you do the honors and fuck me?" The Kraken asked as politely as it could without writhing in horny impatience.

Swann promptly fainted and, like daughter like father, toppled over the edge of the clifftop-parapet-stonepillar-whateverthehellit'scalled and landed with a

**SPLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH plop**

in the water.

It is to my horror and bemusement that I note: right at that moment, Kraken engulfed itself in such a rushback that he grabbed Mr. Pryce – Swann I meant, of course – and briefly molested him before he realized that the old man's age and lack of consciousness resulted in, ZOMG, impotence. Or incompetence. Whatever.

And it was so. But Kraken reach to the full degree of HAPPY! before throwing the freshly-molested and half-dead Weatherby Swann back onto the fort, where he landed atop James Norrington, who in turn shrieked like a poor baby and ran home screaming.

And so, with his and/or her horniness satisfied, the Kraken wandered off and ate Captain Jack Sparrow.

**THE END**, FOOLS! MUAH! HA HA HA HA HA!

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A/N: Oh yes I RULE!!!!!!! VANILLA COKE THIS, BITCHES! HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEH.

Yes indeedy do. Flame it love it wrap it snap it tuck it fuck it screw it moo it I DON'T GIVE A SHIT! HAHAHAHAHA


	2. Chapter 2

OK, as requested, here's the slash-rape thing with Will/Jack/Kraken and, just for kicks, Norrington. It's pathetic and probably not even half as funny, but, whatever.

333

The Kraken was totally drunk-assed. He knew of the shitty impotence of that governor guy, the selfish self-copulation of his master(bater) and, well, he was still horny. Shame, I know.

Anywho, here's that little horny squid again. From underwater it could hear moans of ecstasy and, turned on and coming slightly, he pushed himself into the surface and came again at the sight.

WILL TURNER AND JACK SPARROW AND JAMES NORRINGTON AND MERCER AND BECKETT AND ELIZABETH AND SOME OTHER BASTARD WERE HAVING A SEVENSOME! OMG!

SO obviously if you see seven people having a literal fuck-round, don't you get turned on? The Kraken grabbed one person each tentacle, having to pull apart James and Jack, but one each nonetheless.

However, as previously stated in Kraken'd part 1, Kraken had bruised its biggest tentacle, as well as a few others. In these, he took up Beckett, Elizabeth, Mercer and the other bastard, and with the tentacles being bruised and shit, he dropped aforementioned characters - but not realizing it until he was fifty thousand miles away.

Shrugging its "shoulders", he/she/it dropped James, Jack and Will on the sand of some other island and let them continue. Eventually he realized James was too good (HA!) and picked him up and swallowed him... once. One swallow must have made him its girlfriend, or boyfriend, so it ate James afterwards.

And he was left with Jack and Will.

"Shit man." Jack muttered, "Kraken, you came all over my face before you ate me."

"Not my fault," the Kraken protested. "Weatherby didn't really work out, and I was doing myself just before I swallowed you whole."

Will felt a little left out and lunged at Jack. Kraken then felt left out and lunged at the other two fucking males.

**THREE DAYS LATER**

"Fuck it all, Jack," Will complained, "I'm still bloody sore."

THE END!


End file.
